Oh Canada.

I am sitting in bed. It is almost 6 AM and I leave in a few minutes to take one of my girls to the airport in Raleigh. I can’t sleep – this is a rare occurrence. At least I have some company in my sleepless restless night. He is quite a hunk, really. He cuddled me all night long, he is super cute when he dreams and he gives me nothing but love. He is my dream guy. He likes long walks, doesn’t protest to my keeping a vegetarian home and greets me when I walk in the door. Ok, ok, ok he is a dog. I love him and his name is Shorty George. I am watching him for the night and it has been amazing to have a dog again, even if only for one night.

Pesach…
Over break I went up to Syracuse for a few nights for the seders. I had first seder at my shul. It was so disappointing…in most respects at least. I was happy to be with my parents and at the shul where I grew up but I found it so…boring and…..thoughtless. There was no learning…no debate…no discussion. It doesn’t help that the old reform hagadah is totally wack. But we kept jumping ahead and ahead and there was no explanation as to why. Well, it was pretty obvious why – Rabbi wanted to speed things up so people wouldn’t be there too late and start complaining. BUT I WANTED TO BE THERE LATE!! In past years I have been at my ex-boyfriends’s parents house and it was really my first taste of what it meant to have a seder. I grew up in a pretty non-observant home although my parents were and are very proud Jews. The seder represented one of the things about Reform Judaism that I have the most beef with – don’t just jump ahead messily and arbitrarily. I want to understand what I am doing, I want to labor through it. The seder aint supposed to be easy! We are supposed to learn, teach, ask, listen and eventually get a little tipsy, perhaps a little rowdy and hopefully real full. Ugh…it was a let down honestly. Although one neat thing did happen, a woman came up to me and told me that she remembered me. From what you ask? From when she taught me in pre-school.

The conversation –

Former teacher: Hi, I just wanted to come over and say hello. I remember you from tiny tots when you were about 3 years old. I am sure you don’t remember me from all those years ago but I have seen you around the shul over the years and I wanted to re-introduce myself. Congratulations on going to Israel…

Me: Hey! That is amazing…I can’t believe you remember me. Wow. I bet I was a real pain in the tuchus…I still am. I’m not surprised I was easy to remember…

Former Teacher: giggles a bit and smiles sheepishly

Hehe…

So second seder I went to a friend’s house whose mother I am also close with. It was interesting because the younger brother of my friend just graduated last year from the school where I teach and I got an interesting take on the place during the meal. It was a breath of fresh air from the night before. We talked, pondered, ate, sang, read, prayed until 1AM. I was exhausted at the end of it but it felt good. We used this funky hagadah – created by Mayan I think. It was a feminist hagadah and it provided lots of good springboards to discussion. It creates some customs that are very forced and feel odd to do…a Miriam’s cup? What? I don’t know…every time a male person or male-oriented custom occurs do we need to create a feminine counterpart – is that “different but equal”…I think I’m leaning towards no.

It was my first pesach away from my created family up in Ottawa so that was hard..but being with my own family and my friends was a big help. I also met my best friend’s boyfriend – I like him. Smart, cute, and so clearly mad about her… yay!

I drove up to Mo-town on Friday. I stopped through in Ottawa to see Michael and Diane. It was nice to see them, although sad a bit. They would have made kick-ass in-laws man…but that’s ok. I am really enjoying being free…and I am growing more fond every day of the idea that there are many men out there for me to meet…more on that below (she grins). They are kick-ass friends instead! I got to see some of Michael’s new art. It has a different feel altogether than the stuff he has done in the past. I love how much color there is. Also, there is more connecting all of the pieces together…it seems to tell more of a story…although I am not sure I know what it is…they are beautiful.

[a few hours later]

I am back from my brief excursion to the airport…a rainy but pleasant drive with one of my students. So, where was I. Oh yes…

So I drove to Montreal on Friday and immediately went out to eat with some friends at my favorite restaurant in Montreal – Chu Chai. It is an entirely vegetarian thai restaurant. My regular meal consists of the spicy coconut soup with fake chicken and the duck with soy sauce with spinach…and if I have room (which I didn’t after that glorious meal and so many glasses of wine I lost count…) I love their home made coconut ice cream…mmmm…I left totally stuffed and quite tipsy for our walk home. I have to say that from that point on I essentially didn’t stop partying…wow. I had more fun than I have had in…well…probably since I went to stay with a Bermudian friend on that beautiful island in the Atlantic last May. I am not really at liberty to describe the course of events but I will say that I came home more tired than I left. While the partying was fun the highlight was most definitely seeing two of my best friends (Sarah, you were sorely missed – I didn’t make it out to LA this year…I know…I suck!). I went to my favorite bar night in Montreal – Bar Fly bluegrass night. Cheap beer. Dingy dive of a bar. I love it. I was curious and a bit apprehensive about how I would feel when I drove away to come back down south. I wasn’t really surprised because I know I am more often than not resilient, but I was relieved at my reaction – which was a grin. I leave the city to my old love, my friends, and all those free-spirited stoners on the mountain at Tam tams every Sunday too while I’m at it.

Take care of her, everyone.

I have been kinda consumed of late by thoughts of my Judaism…where do I want to go…how do I want to live…I’ll leave with a paraphrasing of what my rabbi said at services on the first day of pesach.

‘this used to be one of the best attended services of the year outside of the high holidays. I am glad to see you all here…[he spoke for a few minutes and then concluded]…as I enter the last years of my rabbinate I find myself ruminating about the idea of choice that we Reform Jews hold so central to our belief and practice. I am not sure that we haven’t chosen too little.’

I was overwhelmed…with a sad joy. Somehow hearing those words from him released a pressure inside me. I cried quietly to myself. That sad joy is the same emotion I feel when I think about Jeremy.

My last night in Montreal I went out with Yaheli to a bar on Prince Arthur. I met a beautiful man. He was Jewish. He was passionate. He loved hip hop. He was intelligent. I liked him. He wanted to see me again. I gave him my email and said to give me a shout when he is in Jerusalem. Told him I was leaving…