The eternal kiss.

Sometimes I can't believe I live in a gated community - so against my principals. But hey, I needed a job last March so I took it. This may be a long post, so bear with me folks...

I think I will start with last January, to catch y'all up.

I went to NYC for my rabbinical school interview. I think I am of reasonable sanity (or insanity), however, I don't think I did so well on the psych eval...I'll tell you why. You see, I am a generally upbeat lady. Smile, sing, smile, sing...that is my general modus operandi. I think the shrink thought I was covering something up because I told him I was just freakin lucky in my life. I had a boyfriend whom I felt totally in love with, friends and family so supportive they take my breath away most days, and I have been pretty successful and content in all my ventures. He didn't like this much. He wanted passion, deceit, betrayal - and he was determined to find it. He kept attempting to ask probing questions about my family life -

"Are you angry at your parents - they controlled your life!?!?"

"My mother would laugh at you outright if you said that to her..."

"What?"

"I am, how can I put this nicely, self-directed?? I call the shots...it is actually a family joke...you see I have this hat from when I was a child that says 'I'm the..."

He wanted nothing to hear of my story as I understood it. And then came the ink blots. Mind you, despite my father being a counselor, I have never had a day in therapy so I didn't go in thinking the exam would go thusly...I was slightly put off by this point...

So, he shows me some ink blots. I learned afterwards that you are supposed to see the image as a whole and describe what you see...I didn't do that. You also aren't supposed to see anything that has to do with the reproductive system...I didn't do that either. I swear, when something looks like a uterus and ovaries it just does (by the way, side note, I found a knitting pattern to make a uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries and I am very excited to get a chance to knit one and give it to some unsuspecting woman as a joke at her birthday party...watch out ladies!). So anyway, I saw what I saw and I told him...in the end it was not the best of experiences and I am not sure if it hurt my admissions decision but I don't think it helped. Two days later I had an interview and I knew that it hadn't gone well as soon as I left the room. You can tell when those types of situations click, when they go well, and when they don't. I knew as I left the building that Friday morning that things hadn't gone so well. At the time I would have described the situation as "they didn't see me" but I would use very different words today. I went to Grand Central to catch my train out to Connecticut to my sister's house. It was a warm day for January, but very strange New York weather I was told.

Now, in retrospect, the most important events of those few days in NYC were the night before my interview at HUC and the night after - not the interview itself.

The night before I went out to eat with my brother and his girlfriend. This hasn't happened much in my life...in fact if that asshole shrink wanted to unearth some juicy emotions he should have asked about Paul. I want my brother to be a part of my life. He is slowly becoming that more and more, and it brings me much contentment in knowing that we are becoming closer. So, the night before we went out to dinner in downtown Manhattan - some rando italian joint. He asked me questions about my plans, what I would do if I didn't get in, my life in Montreal. And he gave real answers to my questions about him. It was the longest conversation we have had in years - and it was a really good one:). Then we went out for ice cream and walked over to his bar. He started working and served me my first (American:) drink after turning 21. That's right, brother, it happened at Beauty Bar:) In short, I felt nervous before our meal - I was worried that he wouldn't take me seriously again, or that I would get too defensive. But the night was...well...for me...joyous. My thought to myself was this:

"Well, I can honestly say that this was my best night ever with my brother. That means infinitely more to me than what 10 complete strangers say about my ability or inability to do something...no matter what the result of tomorrow is, I won't forget how meaningful tonight was. But I probably will forget the names, faces and questions of all of the people interviewing me. This was more important in my life."

I bombed. I went to Connecticut. Now comes the story of the night after which I mentioned before.

It was dark out already as my train pulled into the station. My sister, brother-in -law and niece were waiting below in the car. I had used all my strength not to cry until this point, but when I got in Mishi's car, and I saw my niece, I couldn't hold it in anymore. It had been such an emotional day. Brana noticed that I was crying, and this is what she did:

"Doda, can I give you something?"

"Of course Brana-bear"

"Give me your hand," Brana giggled and smiled her big delicious smile (the one where her nose wrinkles up!). She opened up my hand with her little paws (she was only 4 at the time). She gripped half of my fingers in one hand and the other half in the other hand and pulled them waaaay open, creating a landing pad for something, although I wasn't sure what. She bent down in her car seat and kissed my hand. A big kiss, she lingered and made sure it sunk in. Then she looks up at me and pulls my face to hers.

"Doda, that will always be there - that's the way kisses work! You can never take it off!!!! It will be with you wherever you go"

That's the thing with kids - they are honest, completely honest, and don't really know how to fake things yet. When they love you it is genuine, pure.

I cried, full out. Not because I was remorseful about the way the last few days had gone, but because like so many other times in my life I felt blessed by the people who love me. I honestly don't know what I did to get so lucky. I love you chicken little, I hope you read this someday.

I didn't get in. I am happy for that now. More than I can say. I'll explain more later about why.. For now I am living inside the green fence of the American Hebrew Academy. More about that later, too.

Blessings to you all.