love is photogenic.

i found these two olive trees near my first apartment in my wandering - in Baka. They struck me the first time i saw them - the way they are growing together - two separate entities creating a veru litteral ad real connection. i could go deeper than that, but i won't. my friends Avi and Rachel are both living in Jerusalem for the next few weeks and I wanted a couple to humor me and do a shoot with me. they happily abided. damn are they cute, no? I haven't done any editing really, but here are some of my favorites with a bonus round of rachel and i. things are good in jerusalem, for me. went out last night to a hooka bar and ended up chilling with a bunch of friends and other assorted people. sleeping at rachels for one night and another friend for another...i am homeless for another few days and couch surfing but i am having fun and managing to get my work done in the meantime so alls well.

as a side note, later in the day yesterday, when i took the photos, avi proposed to rachel and the are engaged. i felt like my heart expanded and then exploded with joy when they told me when i rejoined them in the evening at the bar. i was quite the water works. knowing how important yesterday was for them, these pictures take on a whole ne meaning. congratulations, mazal tov, you two wonderful wonderful people. (by the way, i get to have a glorious shabbat dinner with them two beaming lucky ducks:)

enjoy, and feel free to let me know what you think of the composition of the photos.

much love.

I should be sleeping

ulpan is keeping me busy, and i started working as a volunteer at the Task Force on Human Trafficking, here in Jerusalem. For now I am working on design and layout for some of their publications. I am enjoying it so far. Cool office...by cool i mean literally cool, it is actually a dirty basement room, but hey, its an ngo so whats to be expected? I dig it - quiet and very close to where my long term place will be. For now all i have done is learn how to use the publishing program on my mac because publisher, which i have always used in the past, isnt compatible with mac...but i already am starting to like this new program a lot..it is fun to be playing around with it.

i am enjoying my ulpan...it is certainly challenging. I try to write down the words I dont know, and am able to catch, but I am not always successful. By the end of class I feel totally overloaded and I spend hours every day processing what has been thrown at me. I always love a challenge though...of this sort anyway. the teachers are ok - one talks too fast and one too slow - but i have already been using what i have learned so far. I try to use the new words I am learning. For now though I spend most of my life in English. But no english at all in my ulpan level...oy.

i am continuing my life of migration tomorrow – bouncing around for a week and then a flat for a month and then my long term digs. I am not so much looking forward to the one week place though. I am very fond of my friend who is helping me out, that isnt the issue, but i dont like feeling like i am imposing. I guess all i can do is be quiet and clean and sleep outside of the house whenever possible...it is only a week...

my mind, outside of studying Hebrew, has largely been occupied of late by thoughts of men, what i need and what i want. this was further reinforced tonight as i had a conversation with a great guy that i have been spending quite a bit of time with. after our hearts are ripped out, stomped on and thrown into the garbage....or something less dramatic perhaps.......when is it time to try again? How do we let go of what was? Lots of you out there have warned me time and time again to be cautious, to take my time to heal. but can't i date already? It has been so many months of giving myself time, space, tlc, etc. i want to put my heart out there again...even though i am a little nervous to be sure. I suppose each person has to make up their own mind about when to jump back in the game. In the mean time i am enjoying the company i keep, and i hope to maybe keep it longer...

i never cease to be amazed about how much of life is in the timing. and now, it is time to head to sleep.

I am safe, i am extremely happy, and i am making the most of my time here in the holy land. laila tov ya'll.

one thing

please don't put my name in comments that you leave:) nicknames work, as long as you aren't a meanie:)thank you folks.

Little things.

My ex-boyfriend once bought me a little cactus. He presented it to me as such – not a cactus but a small cactus. He knew that would be appealing to me. Little is the operative word. I have an unusual attraction for little things. Babies, small portions of food, small gestures, small words, small animals, small (simple) ideas, small anything. I rarely see myself as a little person, but it is such a part of me. It seems contradictory to me at times. I’ve been trying to figure out how I operate in these two different mindsets.

Yesterday I went out to lunch with a wonderful woman who lives in Jerusalem. She has lived here for decades and has studied and taught at Pardes over the course of that time. I used her book when I did my alternative service on shabbas morning at A.H.A. I incorporated singing, praying, text study, yoga, meditation and breath work into the hour and a half not-service. It was a rewarding experience for me because I had a core few students who found great meaning in what we did. I was not at all disappointed by the low number – one of the things myself and my lunch buddy discussed was the need to recognize that these are not mainstream practices and many people will view them with suspicion or feel threatened by them. And then there are the few that will find great meaning and enjoyment in these practices. We spoke about yoga, text, my journey to Jerusalem and hers, but one topic in particular has stuck with me.

We spoke about how parents have the ability to shape how their children view themselves for their entire life –

I have spoken to several of you at length about how I view my time at my job this year in good olÂ’ Appalachia. One of the reasons I was so happy to bounce outa there was that one of the families on campus presented an example of that power to shape a child which was so horrifying that I found it difficult to be in public areas when they were around. I was further reminded of this phenomenon by someone who was traumatized in the last month when they visited G-BO to see old friends at campus. She worked there the year before me and hadnÂ’t witnessed this familyÂ’s behavior yet and she was still in shock weeks later when I met up with her in Jerusalem.

Their child wasn’t wanted. She is number 4. Their other children seem unhappy and are always out of control (I don’t need to tell ya’ll how much I love kids…you know….this is not AT ALL a criticism of these children or any). Theirs did not seem to be a supportive and happy home. They joked their entire pregnancy about the child not being wanted, “We’re going to call it depo-provera,” for example. This did not stop, as we all had hoped, when the beautiful little girl was born, but it amplified. I’ll get to the point. This little girl is going to potentially grow up viewing herself as such. She seems to have a negative cloud over her given to her by her parents. Will she be able to shake it? I haven’t been able to shake what my parents gave me. But this is precisely why I am so drawn to and revolted by this child’s story.

I have always seen myself as little. But being little made me big. I was a miracle – everything about me a miracle. I was premature and yet incredibly healthy. I was always the smallest. And I always knew I was special, I was simply a miracle. I felt absolute and safe love. I have my own Torah, my own holy story of my life. I came from an infertile woman. She was my Hannah and me her Samuel, I suppose. I was prayed for decades before when there was still hope that my mom might get pregnant. Notes in the kotel, prayers, hopes, expectations. And then I came when no one thought it possible – a miracle. I am given immense strength from this story – whether it is fiction or fact. It has shaped how I view myself to an incredible degree. And this poor little baby is facing such a different and more harsh reality. Will this be her story? Will it shape her the way mine has shaped me? I am small but certainly don’t act it or feel it. But I do embrace it, it is inherently a part of me – hence the title of my blog I suppose.

In other news, I have busy shabbas plans...it is bizarre that i am often so booked and yet it is the day of rest...shabbas here is a time to hang out and see people, and i am really getting to like it. I have met one person so far who also will be at Pardes this year and I am very fond, very fond. She and I are already off to a great start at exploring what this time has to offer us. Today in ulpan (the third day and it is going well despite my frequent state of confusion?) the teacher prompted us to start talking about the political situation. I didn’t like it. My second Arabic teacher at McGill did that and I didn’t enjoy it then either. Another pardesnik said to me, “get used to it, it is the norm here – people always want to talk about politics.” Hmmm….that could be challenging. But other than that ulpan is going well, as well as 5 hours a day in a language I only sorta know can go. I am sure it will improve my Hebrew immensely though, it is so worth it. I love being here, I think I’ve made the right decision, folks.

Special note: for those of you who emailed asking how to post, read on:

at the bottom of the post, click on where it says "comments" next to the pencil.
choose anonymous
type a message, send me some electronic love, have a grand day. if you want to leave your name, do it, if not, dont.

Shabbat shalom. Love. Big love. Small love too if thatÂ’s all you got to give, beggars canÂ’t be choosers eh? ? Peace.

acclimating continues.

Time feels like it is flying. My days are filled with errands – today was a proud day for this little woman. I went to the bank and set up my bank account entirely using Hebrew☺ now all I have to do is wait and see if I got something totally different than what I want. I am still figuring out my short term living situation but a new opportunity came up – I might be able to live free of rent with the rosh yeshiva’s daughter in his house while is goes on vaca. Sweet deal if it works out, better than the 450 bones I was gonna drop if this hadn’t come up. It would be great if it worked out.

Yesterday I met several new people in the program – very exciting that more of them are getting here. I ran around with one of them for a few hours helping him with apartment hunting, ulpan, post office, health insurance, phone. It was bizarre. I feel like I am such a newbie, but it is amazing what a few weeks in the country has already given me. Learning the basics is such a priority that within a few weeks I can already be of help to those just arriving now. It is a nice feeling to help them out – and to see the difference a little time makes in adjusting…l’at l’at – slowly slowly.

I got word last week that my best friend’s brother is getting married! Congratulations family of the Weez! Wedding number two, only two more to go and then all you have to look forward to is grandkids☺

Tonight there is a study night at pardes for new students and others interested in a night of studyin’. I am looking forward to meeting more people in the program(s), I have met so few of them already and I am already psyched about them. After that I am not allowed to go out! I gotta switch to more of a study mode in my sleeping pattern. I went out again last night, there is just too much to do here! I started my evening with family-ish friends with dinner. They are the closest thing I have to family in Israel, and they are wonderful and so so helpful. So we went out to dinner and had good conversation. Really nice people. I brought them a gift from the US – a bowl made by a ceramicist whose work they had been admiring. Nurit loved it, which was wonderful.

My shabbas was fun and relaxing – my meal Friday was with 16 chill people, and lots of good veg food. I met some nice people, one of which isn’t leaving in a month!!! There are so many people that I meet who are only here for a few weeks, a month or so. I know I am here for a long haul, though, and it is an additional plus when I meet others who are as well. There were a bunch of mcgill folk, montreal folk, pardes folk. I went to a shul called shira chadasha for services. They have a mechitza (division between men and women) but men and women both lead parts of the service and women can read from torah and have aliyot (saying the blessings before and after reading sections of the torah portion). It was my first time there and it was crowded – reminded me a bit like the atmosphere at the ghetto shul in montreal, but lots more older people. Crowded, lots of energy and singing. I enjoyed it, I may go back this coming week. Saturday I went to eat at shmuel and bonna’s. their house is beautiful, but their garden is even more amazing – chard, fruit trees, ginger plant, herbs – my eyes and nose were on overdrive!

Something happened on Friday night that made my shabbas feel more holy, which is funny cause it was a little thing really. I was at the table with my 15 mates and the guy who I had just met, a DJ and jewish all-star of sorts, whom I had had great talks with all night, when we started singing before birkat hamazon (the blessing after the meal). I was talking to someone else at the table who is also of a reform background and asked if she knew a certain version of oseh shalom – a prayer for peace. It is by far my favorite…it is just so gentle and simple that I feel moved every time I sing it….

…I remember when I thanked the community last year at the camp I worked at, after the last service I which I was the chazzan for, I told them that two things in the world always bring me closer to knowing God – when I feel wind against my body and when I sing with others….

And the guy started beat boxing to my singing…I totally got lost in the moment, it brought me to a higher level, it was like the room disappeared and it was just his music and mine joining and going up to some undisclosed location…something which I haven’t felt in a long time on shabbas…I was so thankful for that sensation, and I feel like it hasn’t gone away yet.

making music, there isn’t much like it.

I gotta run home for a bit before this evening’s study session begins. I hope all you people whom I love, scattered all over the world, are doing well, living life and making history…or something☺ much love.

shabbas is coming

well folks, i made a lovely salad. shabbas is just around the corner, but i felt a need to post and let you all know what the situation is like for me right now in Jerusalem.

All of the areas that are in a state of alert right now because of the war, or chatzi milchama as i heard it called it today (a half war). i have been advised not to go north and not to ride buses and not to go to crowded places that aren't guarded. check check check. I am planning on going to tel aviv next week but i am not going to go north until things are settled. which, i pray happens soon.

it is bizarre, really. i walk around in jerusalem, which is not near the battle zones, and i can't really detect the change. it was suggested to me that maybe it is because it is summer vacation, who knows really. most likely i am just too ignorant to notice. mostly i am feeling frustration - i supported the pullout from gaza in some respects. unilateralism was not so great, but i don't think there is a combination in a palestinian leader right now of both someone who holds sway with the people and is also not a terrorist, theif, corrupt or worse if it exists. i am frustrated because the pullout was something so divisive for israel - so traumatic to the entirety of society here - and if it was for nothing i hurt inside.

i feel sustained in my hope knowing one thing - while there are many people who want to destroy those on the other side, there are those who don't - and one day the palestinians are going to get sick of having no health system, education system, legitimate electoral schedule and representatives, stealing their children, of sustained poverty...it isn't only in the US where we need a new government, god knows

in the mean time, i hope that israel contains the conflict, i hope they kill as few civilians as possible, that no one else is kidnapped and that syria and iran stay the !@#$@ out of it.

when we study Torah, one of the rabbis at pardes explained, we bring peace into the world. well, i studied for most of yesterday. as we study we gain greater wisdom, temperance, greater compassion and love for the world. hell, it can't hurt. ill keep studying - i already have two chevruta parters for the coming weeks - one to study t'fillah and maybe weekday nusach and another to study the mitzvot (commandments) regarding shabbas. i will also smile at every person i can possibly smile at, say please and thank you and realize that my presence in this world changes it - and act accordingly.

night out, jerusalem is fun.

yes, folks, you heard it here. jerusalem offers many a delight for the person in search of a good time. started my night with friends, from my montreal life, at the jerusalem film festival - a mediocre film about na nachers - breslovers in tel aviv...

dinner, while picking up a nice guy who is a new immigrant and knew one of my friends from mcgill who is a new olah as well. then we made our way to a wine tasting that has been going on for several nights at the israel museum - about 15 dollars and unlimited wine...not that i have such a discerning pallet, but i believe i had a bunch of good wines along my passing up and down the rows getting tipsy:) met up with people from pardes, and other random assorted people who were all very enjoyable company. we then walked our way back to more central parts of town and i made some rounds to people's apartments. met some interesting people and had some good laughs...eventually made it to my final pit stop for the evening...and i had more serious conversation with a fellow pardesnik chic than i would have thought i was capable of at 5am and a little on the intoxicated side. but hey, we are always capable of surprising ourselves no?

i still am getting used to the immediate friendliness that arises after such a short time from people...it is an interesting phenomenon.

i start ulpan very soon so my debauchery around jerusalem will soon be toned down a bit...but i will enjoy it while it lasts. next post, i promise will be more than a description of un-holy escapades with friends new and old.

i love the theme of subtle tension, or perhaps coesxistence, of natural processes vs. the human never ending love affair with technological advancement. you could also call that love affair natural, hmmm? anywho, see the pics below...

now it is 6 am in the holy land, and i am going to go sleep sleep and dream about the delicious salad i will make for the shabbas meal i have been invited to...lettuce...peppers....olives....yummmm

It’s confusing indeed.

Last night I went to see a movie called “Bye Bye Love”. It is an Israeli film and it was showing as part of the Jerusalem International Film Festival. The film is a documentary of several women, all Israeli, all divorced, all with kids. Their topic of discussion: how does love die? I was and still am very intrigued with the ideas these women presented.

I guess that before I would ask that question I would ask why do we believe love won’t die? They kept bringing up the word ‘fantasy’. That love doesn’t work because we believe in a fantasy, we expect the fantasy to happen to us – all of it, just as we imagine.

Each woman, over the course of the film, gave her own story – each was more heartbreaking than the last. It was heavy, the emotions and pain these women spoke about felt like it was hanging palpably in the air. Beating. Cheating. Frustration. Fleeting youth. Feeling trapped. Self-deception. Disappointment. Loneliness.

How is it that for all the people looking for deep and meaningful love, so few seem to find it? Better yet, why when it ends does it have to be a failure? I loved someone. I loved him entirely. It was big love. It filled me. Changed me. But I don’t think it is a failure because it isn’t that way anymore. I don’t feel like I failed, the opposite, really. And I am excited for love to come again…

One woman said that even though she wasn’t with her husband anymore, she still loved him. Love doesn’t die. I agree.

Another said that men are only good for one thing, they can’t be good for more than one: friend, partner, lover, etc. I don’t agree.

One, a stripper by trade, was the scariest of them all. She didn’t believe love existed at all – it was entirely a socially constructed fantasy. Love can’t happen, we are fooling ourselves. It is all sex – sex is love. She was thought that all men were incapable of being the other half of the fantasy that society provides. Interestingly, though, towards the end of the film her hard exterior started to fade and she sheepishly voiced her own desire for love – despite all her doubts.

The one who spoke most to me was a woman who explored the idea of expectations. Love dies because of the rules and expectations that we apply to it. Maybe we have such demanding expectations of what love will be that we keep it from thriving. “I want my partner to look like this and believe this and have these political leanings and have this lifestyle and behave this way and do these things and have this career and live in this place and have this diet and wear these clothes and want this many kids and make this much money and like to do these things….how long is your list? Maybe all those things are important? I’m not convinced.

I am, however, absolutely NOT free of hypocrisy in that respect.

In my last chunk of time in cuse with my parents they got a wee bit frustrated with an expectation I said I believed was necessary for me to have in looking for love. “The guy has to be vegetarian,” said little eve in her idealistic chattering.

I will leave ya’ll with the following news then:

I found a long term place to lay myself down – close to Pardes, vegetarian, big bed, big room, nice Israeli roommate, complete with dog!
My ulpan (Hebrew classes) starts next week.
I found a great yoga teacher in Jerusalem and went to my first class in months yesterday and it was amazing.
And in regards to my last comment about my own hypocrisy – I am starting to like a certain guy here in the holy land, and he is not fellow veggie…hmmmm….

enjoying the breeze

Ok, time to give a real update. I am sitting right now at Pardes. I just had a wonderful lunch with that friend I mentioned before. It just feels better to be here knowing she is here – it certainly makes it a more fun time☺ Tonight we are going out on the j-town – I don’t know where we’ll go but I can’t have another late night. I have had too many in a row. I spend each day wandering around trying to find an apartment and get my health insurance figured out. It is pretty ridiculous as I call around to apartment listings that interest me. The conversations go pretty much like so, complete with my broken Hebrew:

Israeli: hi

Me: hi,I am calling about the apartment listed on homeless.

Israeli: yes, yes. The apartment has…

Me: Slicha, excuse me, I just have one quick first question, are you vegetarian?

Israeli: what?

Me: are you vegetarian?

Israeli: what?

Me: Do you eat meat?

Israeli: Yes.

Me: Ok, thanks. Have a good day.

I accept that I probably sound meshuga, but hey, a girl has needs.

So, no luck on that front yet but if I have no success with my veggie apartment seeking I will give up and be more easy on that front. We’ll see how it goes.

On shabbas I went for the first time to Kol Haneshama. It was a nice service with a lot of singing and not like most Reform-type services I have led or been to in the last few years - people actually participated. There are two services during the summer. This shabbas I went to the one that has visitors, next week I will go to the one that was described to me as “more adult” whatever that means. I don’t know, am I adult? Certainly not by choice☺

The apartment I am renting for the month overlooks a park where there are kids playing soccer and basketball at all hours of the day. I like the background noise for the most part – it feels good being in a neighborhood. But on erev shabbas I couldn’t get to sleep for a while and the noise outside didn’t help. I was staring at the ceiling above me thinking about a boy…and being annoyed that I was thinking about a boy…eventually I fell asleep and slept well till late morning.

I spent the rest of my shabbas walking around Jerusalem, playing with kids in the park, reading in the shade and crashing a boy named Avshalom’s b-day party. It was a big day. I loved it.

Enough details, I hope it didn’t get too tedious. I was telling someone last night that throughout the day I keep having thoughts like,

“I am walking on a street IN JERUSALEM”

“I am hailing a cab IN JERUSALEM”

etc.

still getting used to it, but enjoying it all the while even if I am not over the shock of the change.

I leave you with this parting thought: some of you may know that two things calm me down and bring me a sense of peace at all times: a hand on my back and a breeze against my body – and every night in Jerusalem (just like you said, Varda) the wind picks up and if I take a walk outside and find a quiet place to sit a breeze seems to always find me. It is glorious.

jerusalem at last

well, folks, i am here. i got here safe and sound and managed to run into a good friend from montreal in my first hour in the city. having left all you on the other side of the world it was very welcome...my apartment it good and i am looking for another for the long term. my computer is going to run out of battery power so more very very soon. lots to tell already. i had a lovely shabbas - which i will describe later, hopefully today. much love from a little woman.