On the bus.
The little girl sits in front of me with her mother. Her mother is absorbed in her book of tehilim. Hebrew scrawls across one side of the pages and Amharic on the other. The little girl’s braids stick out in all directions – giggling girlishly at the thought of laying flat. Of obeying gravity. Of ceasing to be playfully-of-a-child. Bright colors. Orange and pink. Blue socks on small feet in white sandals.
She sees me in the reflection of the glass barrier in front of our rows. She notices my shoulders. So I notice them too. A dark brown shirt that hugs my upper arms – baring my shoulders to the world. What are they saying? Woman. Skin likes fresh air and sun. Happy it’s summer.
She begins to mimic my bare shoulders by pulling down the edges of her own shirt to reveal her own beautiful shoulders to the world. Then she looks to my image, just above her own, reflected back at her, in comparison. She smiles faintly at what she sees. I don’t know why. I am happy that she smiles, though.
Then she notices me smiling back at her – noticing her as she notices me – and she turns childish-shy. She plunges her face into her mother’s side. She is embraced in one arm, while in the other arm a book of poems to God is open revealing the treasured content inside. Both arms holding life.
They get off the bus at the next stop. Hand in hand. The psalms now closed until the next opportunity. And I realize that in my sleepy haze I have taken the wrong bus. And I thank God for it. For the beauty I saw in the seat in front of me.
[Translation Note: tehilim = psalms]
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Who's on the other end?
My ulpan teacher related this story to a friend of mine in the class and he continued the oral tradition today on our busride back to our side of town. It is by now third hand, but she heard it first hand.
a la Yehudit (my ulpan teacher):
My uncle was at an academic conference in France and the building where it was held was very busy. And loud. The time came to pray his afternoon prayers and there was no place for him to retreat to find a little space and a little quiet.
After some searching he settled on a phone booth as the best option.
He entered the phone booth. He picked up the receiver so it would seem as if he was actually using the thing. He began reciting the prayers. In Hebrew. And he said parts out loud so it would seem as if he was really talking to someone. Some parts he said silently as is traditionally done when praying alone. He was shuckling a little bit back and forth as is to be expected at such times.
When he hung up the phone and walked out of the booth the man next in line was looking at him with great curiousity and said, "Can I have the number of whoever it was you just called?"
a la Yehudit (my ulpan teacher):
My uncle was at an academic conference in France and the building where it was held was very busy. And loud. The time came to pray his afternoon prayers and there was no place for him to retreat to find a little space and a little quiet.
After some searching he settled on a phone booth as the best option.
He entered the phone booth. He picked up the receiver so it would seem as if he was actually using the thing. He began reciting the prayers. In Hebrew. And he said parts out loud so it would seem as if he was really talking to someone. Some parts he said silently as is traditionally done when praying alone. He was shuckling a little bit back and forth as is to be expected at such times.
When he hung up the phone and walked out of the booth the man next in line was looking at him with great curiousity and said, "Can I have the number of whoever it was you just called?"
Friday, July 27, 2007
Heads or tails. I just don’t know what to make of it.
Folks, it has been hard. Every day I feel like my head is spinning.
One day I feel pride for the efforts that many people in this country make every day to make it a better place. They struggle against conflicting values within themselves. They raise families. They live in this Jewish place. It has been built. It is being built still. A thriving Jewish culture exists. I could go on.
Not much time passes, though, before I feel pulled in an emotionally, rationally, realistically charged way in another direction. What myths have I been fed as a child, and hell, even as an adult. It is not only the myths that I have since realized were partially if not entirely faulty. It is the fact that like a relationship that ends leaving you feeling dazed and confused in a strange place you have no clue how to get out of – you have to constantly be searching for new hidden baggage that you are carrying around. You don’t know that you still have the baggage. You don’t know that you are still draped in a reality or imagined-reality that was. You have to live your day feeling confused: how do I move on from here? How do I change my entire way of thinking, my assumptions, my preconceived notions, my prejudices?
Were the myths necessary? Do the ends justify the means?
How do I deal with the fact that Israel is a modern state. Israel as this modern state has powers. At this point in time it has a significant amount of power over millions of people who are relatively powerless. It has the power to dictate the religious and private lives of the people living in its borders. Israel can act as an entity which promotes Jewish ethics or it can act as an entity that breaks international laws, internationally accepted human rights and makes me want to hide under the bed. Its leaders can be investigated and/or tried in cases of sexual crimes and any other criminal activity. It can manage to maintain itself with an underbelly of a poor, powerless and vulnerable working class made out largely of Arabs and Thai temporary workers.
Israel can be a place where there are thousands of elderly holocaust survivors are not taken care of. Israel can be a place where sexual trafficking is a prevalent and widespread problem. Israel can be a place of racist and unequal legislation. Israel’s Jewish citizens can believe in the acceptability of different standards of living and of law for its non-Jewish citizens. Israel can pollute.
Israel can feel like home sometimes. That I am with “my people” that parts of myself can be expressed here where they cannot, or can only with great sacrifice and effort, be expressed elsewhere. I can see myself living here.
I don’t know what to do in those times.
Sometimes it feels like a strange place. Foreign, distant and removed from a place in which I want to live. A place that I do not need to exist as a modern state to feel connected to.
I don’t know what to do in those times either.
What I mean to say is this: I find it hard to write to you all on most days. Every day I feel immense joy to be finally living here and exploring things I have wanted to explore since I was a child. I feel proud of the things Israel does well and sad or ashamed at the things it does not do well. I don’t know how to express those feelings to you all. It is hard to come to some consensus in my own head and tell you what is happening. How am I feeling. What challenge I am engaged in now.
The issues I struggle with are complicated and emotionally charged and sometimes I wish that they just didn’t exist or that they didn’t matter to me.
But they do. So I continue the struggle.
This weekend I am going to Tiberias to be a “Shabbat guide” - lead services and some programming for a Birthright trip for there one Shabbat here. It is my second time doing it this summer. The last time I was both disgusted and impressed by the people in the group of participants. Some were cool, open minded and interested in hearing anything they could get about this crazy place. And then some were just plain racist and open about it. Par for the course American Jewry…I think this week I have a British group. I’ll let you know how it goes. It is a pretty sweet deal really. I get paid to go work for a few hours doing Jew and then spend Shabbat in an air conditioned hotel with my only other responsibilities being eating, sleeping and hanging out with the participants.
I am wishing all of you a peaceful sabath, or just plain old Saturday if that’s how you roll:).
Missing you all big like a big blue whale.
One day I feel pride for the efforts that many people in this country make every day to make it a better place. They struggle against conflicting values within themselves. They raise families. They live in this Jewish place. It has been built. It is being built still. A thriving Jewish culture exists. I could go on.
Not much time passes, though, before I feel pulled in an emotionally, rationally, realistically charged way in another direction. What myths have I been fed as a child, and hell, even as an adult. It is not only the myths that I have since realized were partially if not entirely faulty. It is the fact that like a relationship that ends leaving you feeling dazed and confused in a strange place you have no clue how to get out of – you have to constantly be searching for new hidden baggage that you are carrying around. You don’t know that you still have the baggage. You don’t know that you are still draped in a reality or imagined-reality that was. You have to live your day feeling confused: how do I move on from here? How do I change my entire way of thinking, my assumptions, my preconceived notions, my prejudices?
Were the myths necessary? Do the ends justify the means?
How do I deal with the fact that Israel is a modern state. Israel as this modern state has powers. At this point in time it has a significant amount of power over millions of people who are relatively powerless. It has the power to dictate the religious and private lives of the people living in its borders. Israel can act as an entity which promotes Jewish ethics or it can act as an entity that breaks international laws, internationally accepted human rights and makes me want to hide under the bed. Its leaders can be investigated and/or tried in cases of sexual crimes and any other criminal activity. It can manage to maintain itself with an underbelly of a poor, powerless and vulnerable working class made out largely of Arabs and Thai temporary workers.
Israel can be a place where there are thousands of elderly holocaust survivors are not taken care of. Israel can be a place where sexual trafficking is a prevalent and widespread problem. Israel can be a place of racist and unequal legislation. Israel’s Jewish citizens can believe in the acceptability of different standards of living and of law for its non-Jewish citizens. Israel can pollute.
Israel can feel like home sometimes. That I am with “my people” that parts of myself can be expressed here where they cannot, or can only with great sacrifice and effort, be expressed elsewhere. I can see myself living here.
I don’t know what to do in those times.
Sometimes it feels like a strange place. Foreign, distant and removed from a place in which I want to live. A place that I do not need to exist as a modern state to feel connected to.
I don’t know what to do in those times either.
What I mean to say is this: I find it hard to write to you all on most days. Every day I feel immense joy to be finally living here and exploring things I have wanted to explore since I was a child. I feel proud of the things Israel does well and sad or ashamed at the things it does not do well. I don’t know how to express those feelings to you all. It is hard to come to some consensus in my own head and tell you what is happening. How am I feeling. What challenge I am engaged in now.
The issues I struggle with are complicated and emotionally charged and sometimes I wish that they just didn’t exist or that they didn’t matter to me.
But they do. So I continue the struggle.
This weekend I am going to Tiberias to be a “Shabbat guide” - lead services and some programming for a Birthright trip for there one Shabbat here. It is my second time doing it this summer. The last time I was both disgusted and impressed by the people in the group of participants. Some were cool, open minded and interested in hearing anything they could get about this crazy place. And then some were just plain racist and open about it. Par for the course American Jewry…I think this week I have a British group. I’ll let you know how it goes. It is a pretty sweet deal really. I get paid to go work for a few hours doing Jew and then spend Shabbat in an air conditioned hotel with my only other responsibilities being eating, sleeping and hanging out with the participants.
I am wishing all of you a peaceful sabath, or just plain old Saturday if that’s how you roll:).
Missing you all big like a big blue whale.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
This week in review...
This week in review…
I have been back in this crazy country for about a month now.
Wait, wait wait…
I never wrote about my time in America.
Let me give some highlights:
Countries Visited: Canada, The United States of America
States Visited: NY, CT, NJ, FL.
Places Visited (in order): Montreal, Ottawa, Syracuse, Jersey, Ithaca (Moosewood!), Sonenbourg (spelling?:) gardens, Surprise Lake Camp, The Isabella Friedman Retreat Center, Jacksonville FL.
New Members of the Family: One – our new puppy Hannah (otherwise known as Fuzzy Butt or Foxy Brown)
People Seen: Mom and Pops, Mishpish and my Branabear and a Tom, Michael and Diane, Hells Bells, one rather snarky:) orthodoxanarchist, Weeza, Brandon, a Rachel and an Avi, Varda, one Donald, one Taara, Min, cuz x2
Times Had: one wedding, one Jewish holiday, several shabatot (sabaths), one tree hugging Jewish conference, 3 days in Montreal – the best city in North America (thus far explored by my little legs), a bit of shopping, getting my mom off the damn couch, finding our new SUPER cute puppy, playing with my niece, one night of no sleep trying to change my airplane ticket with the most horrible airline (ie Israir), lots of yarn purchased, one dishcloth and one hat knit, one new LYS (local yarn store) discovered in Cuse, one lyme disease scare, one night at a Jewish-Hippie-Paradise. While there were many other times had, I will end with this: one big cry as my plane took off from Syracuse for good for this visit.
Why the tears? I miss my home. You heard it here. I have been causing a ruckus in more places than I can remember since I last spent that much time at home. I have never felt homesick before. Being home was actually pretty easygoing. No big fights, not too much yelling (which, of COURSE doesn’t signify a fight, it is just a little talking in a loud voice:), really good time with friends and family. It was good to be home for the first time in a year. But I must admit I was a little nervous about my time there before I left Israel.
What would all of ya’ll think about my new life? My changes of my heart, my lifestyle changes, etc. Would you be mad at me for leaving in the first place? Would me relationships still be strong? What will have changed?
Well. I was a little…surprised….things went pretty smoothly with the keeping kosher thing. I got only support for the most part – aside from the few jokes made at my expense. All of my chevre just wanted me to explain myself and then let it go – it’s me, and that was all they seemed to care about. I was home and they were happy about it.
When I landed in Montreal for my first stop on summer tour ’07 the immigration/border chic asked me what they always ask: what is the purpose of your trip? Simultaneously I answered both in my head and with my mouth:
Mouth: Leisure.
Head: To see what I have left behind. What can I take with me, and what do I gotta let go?
Not surprisingly, I haven’t figured it out yet. I have decided to let some parts of my life go, accept them as part of my history – an invaluable part and irremovable part of my history. That’s where they stay. Some parts though, I haven’t figured out if they can come along for more of the ride.
The friends that are selfish and bring me only worry and sadness, but whom I care about and want to see get better and believe they can be a positive part in my life? The friends connected to others who I have decided to release back into the realm of “stranger” – can I still keep them in my life in a way that is fair for both of us?
I don’t know if I got to the answers but I explored the questions. So, like often in my studies and time here I have to be satisfied in the exploration. In learning Jewish text we come to understand that it is not the answer that is most important, but the right question and the integrity to honestly search its depths for all the answers you can find.
So, I am asking.
I left feeling a little ridiculous for being nervous in the first place. I should have known that my close friends and my family would be just as ecstatic to see me as I was to see them. It was really special to be around so many of the people who inspire me, who I love and miss. I left happy, even if a little homesick. Because, for now, this place is my home. And I am glad to be back. I am laying in my new bed in my new apartment. Things are good for me here. My month of ulpan (intensive Hebrew study) is almost over and I can feel the results of 6-8 hours a day of work put in. My class was small mostly older students. One rabbi, 3 rabbinical students, one early 40s acupuncturist from Boston who I have become friends with and is studying for the coming year at my school, one Bulgarian who is a new immigrant, a mid 40s Christian biologist from Florida, and a few others thrown in the mix. And me. My teachers are amazing. So sweet and really good at explaining things. I keep thinking about my horror of a teacher at McGill and how I hated going to class because I wasn’t sure if she was the devil or not. Still not sure. My Hebrew is much better now and I can read a lot in the newspapers and understand more on the radio….slowly I improve…slowly.
There is more to say, as always, and I have to tell you about my week still…I meant to do that but now it is 2:30 and I have to wake up in just a few hours for class. So perhaps tomorrow I will fill you in on my week. It was a particularly good week. Lots happened. I was happy. So, lots to tell. For now though here are some pictures of my time in America.
Sweet dreams and big hugs.
And if I don’t get a chance to say it again – thank you to all of you who made efforts to see me: picking me up from bus stations, driving in from Boston, taking time off from work, etc. I was so happy to see all of you. Thanks guys!!!
I have been back in this crazy country for about a month now.
Wait, wait wait…
I never wrote about my time in America.
Let me give some highlights:
Countries Visited: Canada, The United States of America
States Visited: NY, CT, NJ, FL.
Places Visited (in order): Montreal, Ottawa, Syracuse, Jersey, Ithaca (Moosewood!), Sonenbourg (spelling?:) gardens, Surprise Lake Camp, The Isabella Friedman Retreat Center, Jacksonville FL.
New Members of the Family: One – our new puppy Hannah (otherwise known as Fuzzy Butt or Foxy Brown)
People Seen: Mom and Pops, Mishpish and my Branabear and a Tom, Michael and Diane, Hells Bells, one rather snarky:) orthodoxanarchist, Weeza, Brandon, a Rachel and an Avi, Varda, one Donald, one Taara, Min, cuz x2
Times Had: one wedding, one Jewish holiday, several shabatot (sabaths), one tree hugging Jewish conference, 3 days in Montreal – the best city in North America (thus far explored by my little legs), a bit of shopping, getting my mom off the damn couch, finding our new SUPER cute puppy, playing with my niece, one night of no sleep trying to change my airplane ticket with the most horrible airline (ie Israir), lots of yarn purchased, one dishcloth and one hat knit, one new LYS (local yarn store) discovered in Cuse, one lyme disease scare, one night at a Jewish-Hippie-Paradise. While there were many other times had, I will end with this: one big cry as my plane took off from Syracuse for good for this visit.
Why the tears? I miss my home. You heard it here. I have been causing a ruckus in more places than I can remember since I last spent that much time at home. I have never felt homesick before. Being home was actually pretty easygoing. No big fights, not too much yelling (which, of COURSE doesn’t signify a fight, it is just a little talking in a loud voice:), really good time with friends and family. It was good to be home for the first time in a year. But I must admit I was a little nervous about my time there before I left Israel.
What would all of ya’ll think about my new life? My changes of my heart, my lifestyle changes, etc. Would you be mad at me for leaving in the first place? Would me relationships still be strong? What will have changed?
Well. I was a little…surprised….things went pretty smoothly with the keeping kosher thing. I got only support for the most part – aside from the few jokes made at my expense. All of my chevre just wanted me to explain myself and then let it go – it’s me, and that was all they seemed to care about. I was home and they were happy about it.
When I landed in Montreal for my first stop on summer tour ’07 the immigration/border chic asked me what they always ask: what is the purpose of your trip? Simultaneously I answered both in my head and with my mouth:
Mouth: Leisure.
Head: To see what I have left behind. What can I take with me, and what do I gotta let go?
Not surprisingly, I haven’t figured it out yet. I have decided to let some parts of my life go, accept them as part of my history – an invaluable part and irremovable part of my history. That’s where they stay. Some parts though, I haven’t figured out if they can come along for more of the ride.
The friends that are selfish and bring me only worry and sadness, but whom I care about and want to see get better and believe they can be a positive part in my life? The friends connected to others who I have decided to release back into the realm of “stranger” – can I still keep them in my life in a way that is fair for both of us?
I don’t know if I got to the answers but I explored the questions. So, like often in my studies and time here I have to be satisfied in the exploration. In learning Jewish text we come to understand that it is not the answer that is most important, but the right question and the integrity to honestly search its depths for all the answers you can find.
So, I am asking.
I left feeling a little ridiculous for being nervous in the first place. I should have known that my close friends and my family would be just as ecstatic to see me as I was to see them. It was really special to be around so many of the people who inspire me, who I love and miss. I left happy, even if a little homesick. Because, for now, this place is my home. And I am glad to be back. I am laying in my new bed in my new apartment. Things are good for me here. My month of ulpan (intensive Hebrew study) is almost over and I can feel the results of 6-8 hours a day of work put in. My class was small mostly older students. One rabbi, 3 rabbinical students, one early 40s acupuncturist from Boston who I have become friends with and is studying for the coming year at my school, one Bulgarian who is a new immigrant, a mid 40s Christian biologist from Florida, and a few others thrown in the mix. And me. My teachers are amazing. So sweet and really good at explaining things. I keep thinking about my horror of a teacher at McGill and how I hated going to class because I wasn’t sure if she was the devil or not. Still not sure. My Hebrew is much better now and I can read a lot in the newspapers and understand more on the radio….slowly I improve…slowly.
There is more to say, as always, and I have to tell you about my week still…I meant to do that but now it is 2:30 and I have to wake up in just a few hours for class. So perhaps tomorrow I will fill you in on my week. It was a particularly good week. Lots happened. I was happy. So, lots to tell. For now though here are some pictures of my time in America.
Sweet dreams and big hugs.
And if I don’t get a chance to say it again – thank you to all of you who made efforts to see me: picking me up from bus stations, driving in from Boston, taking time off from work, etc. I was so happy to see all of you. Thanks guys!!!
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