change of season.

Over chag, holiday, the seasons seem to have changed. The air has become cooler, crisper. I can wear sweaters at night again. The pomegranates that i saw all over the city only a few weeks ago have been picked, ripe, from their vines. The olives are falling off the trees. There is something calming about feeling the seasons pass - inevitable change - the only thing that we can be sure of.

A year ago I was sitting in Ottawa at my ex-boyfriends house celebrating the holidays in a life that was no longer my own. I remember asking his father, whom i still consider a close friend, how long it would take until the raw pain would subside, the dull ache would fade away, and all that would remain was the appreciation for what was, the Love that was there? A lot of people tried to give me answers to this question...but his was the one that I found most resonated with me. Seasons. We need the seasons to pass - the cycle to complete itself in one complete whole before we can start to feel like ourselves again. You spend the first year saying, "I was here, I was doing this, etc...at this time....with HIM." Maybe I just chose to believe that cause it sounded a hell of a lot better than some people's suggestion that it takes the half life of a the time you loved a person...yeah...2.5 or so years didn't sit so well with me. But we can't expect these things to ever go away...that can't be our goal. forgetting the pain ever existed is just as bad as forgetting all the uplifting joy that came with it...one package....seasons that come together in their natural state and cannot be separated.

It has been a full cycle of the seasons now and I am finally feeling that I am coming back to myself again…last year at this time I was single. Just me. That’s wonderful for now.

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Shana Tova! Happy New year to all my Yids out there. It is time for teshuva, repentance. Time to say sorry, I missed the mark, I can do better. I can’t say it hasn’t been a difficult mindset for me to get into this year. But its gotta be a sign that you need some serious teshuva (returning, literally) when you can’t get into the mood…maybe it just seems too hard so I want to avoid it altogether.

Since I began praying regularly a year ago I have come to feel a deep connection to the central part of the Jewish prayer service, the Amidah. Particularly I appreciate the chance I get three times a day to do teshuva (part of the Amidah)…a constant opportunity and responsibility to check my relationship with the world and my relationship with that Something Bigger. I bring this up because I find it hard to do all that retrospection at once. I feel like I am not so good at crunch repentance…more of a distance runner here it seems. But there is this idea that God listens more during these “Days of Repentance”. The gates of heaven swing open, fly off their hinges and God is especially ready to hear our repentance. But what about the rest of the year? If humans are in the image of God then should we be more prepared to accept teshuva from others than during the rest of the year? That doesn’t seem right to me…I can’t function that way.

I haven’t found a good answer for this yet, but please let me know if you’ve got one.

So, this past weekend was Rosh Hashannah – the new year…but not the first month, it actually falls on the first day (and second depending on your tradition) of the seventh month. It is a celebration of the completion of the creation process, but like most Jewish holidays it really is more than that – more than just one meaning, more than just one point to which you can connect. It is also a chance to wake up, to start new. It marks the beginning of a new year, we are able to start fresh, become the person that we want to be…it is always relieving for me to feel Rosh Hashanah’s approach, to know that my time to start again is here. But this too is a little problematic for me…what if you realize 6 months after the holiday that you need to have such a self-evaluation and change….it is not enough to believe that there is only one time of year when this is expected or possible or to have it be the only time of year where you consider such things…granted that Judaism expects us to think of it all is pretty amazing….but at times its conception of this process leaves me a little wanting…

That being said, I am tired and one thing that I need to work a little harder at is treating my body better with more veggies and more sleep…the cold I have at the moment can testify to that…

In the spirit of this time of teshuva, let me say that if I have caused any of you, my family and friends, pain, grief, sorrow, etc, I sincerely apologize and I hope that I have addressed it specifically with you and if I have not then please let me know…I may not be aware of my actions as I often am not…and it is never my goal to do anything other than bring you all joy, laughter and hope.

Have a year full of blessing and joy.

P.S. – I live in Jerusalem, just thought I would remind you all, and me as well, that I call this place home now….crazy….i still pinch myself sometimes to make sure it’s all true.