Over chag, holiday, the seasons seem to have changed. The air has become cooler, crisper. I can wear sweaters at night again. The pomegranates that i saw all over the city only a few weeks ago have been picked, ripe, from their vines. The olives are falling off the trees. There is something calming about feeling the seasons pass - inevitable change - the only thing that we can be sure of.
A year ago I was sitting in Ottawa at my ex-boyfriends house celebrating the holidays in a life that was no longer my own. I remember asking his father, whom i still consider a close friend, how long it would take until the raw pain would subside, the dull ache would fade away, and all that would remain was the appreciation for what was, the Love that was there? A lot of people tried to give me answers to this question...but his was the one that I found most resonated with me. Seasons. We need the seasons to pass - the cycle to complete itself in one complete whole before we can start to feel like ourselves again. You spend the first year saying, "I was here, I was doing this, etc...at this time....with HIM." Maybe I just chose to believe that cause it sounded a hell of a lot better than some people's suggestion that it takes the half life of a the time you loved a person...yeah...2.5 or so years didn't sit so well with me. But we can't expect these things to ever go away...that can't be our goal. forgetting the pain ever existed is just as bad as forgetting all the uplifting joy that came with it...one package....seasons that come together in their natural state and cannot be separated.
It has been a full cycle of the seasons now and I am finally feeling that I am coming back to myself again…last year at this time I was single. Just me. That’s wonderful for now.
* * * * * * *
Shana Tova! Happy New year to all my Yids out there. It is time for teshuva, repentance. Time to say sorry, I missed the mark, I can do better. I can’t say it hasn’t been a difficult mindset for me to get into this year. But its gotta be a sign that you need some serious teshuva (returning, literally) when you can’t get into the mood…maybe it just seems too hard so I want to avoid it altogether.
Since I began praying regularly a year ago I have come to feel a deep connection to the central part of the Jewish prayer service, the Amidah. Particularly I appreciate the chance I get three times a day to do teshuva (part of the Amidah)…a constant opportunity and responsibility to check my relationship with the world and my relationship with that Something Bigger. I bring this up because I find it hard to do all that retrospection at once. I feel like I am not so good at crunch repentance…more of a distance runner here it seems. But there is this idea that God listens more during these “Days of Repentance”. The gates of heaven swing open, fly off their hinges and God is especially ready to hear our repentance. But what about the rest of the year? If humans are in the image of God then should we be more prepared to accept teshuva from others than during the rest of the year? That doesn’t seem right to me…I can’t function that way.
I haven’t found a good answer for this yet, but please let me know if you’ve got one.
So, this past weekend was Rosh Hashannah – the new year…but not the first month, it actually falls on the first day (and second depending on your tradition) of the seventh month. It is a celebration of the completion of the creation process, but like most Jewish holidays it really is more than that – more than just one meaning, more than just one point to which you can connect. It is also a chance to wake up, to start new. It marks the beginning of a new year, we are able to start fresh, become the person that we want to be…it is always relieving for me to feel Rosh Hashanah’s approach, to know that my time to start again is here. But this too is a little problematic for me…what if you realize 6 months after the holiday that you need to have such a self-evaluation and change….it is not enough to believe that there is only one time of year when this is expected or possible or to have it be the only time of year where you consider such things…granted that Judaism expects us to think of it all is pretty amazing….but at times its conception of this process leaves me a little wanting…
That being said, I am tired and one thing that I need to work a little harder at is treating my body better with more veggies and more sleep…the cold I have at the moment can testify to that…
In the spirit of this time of teshuva, let me say that if I have caused any of you, my family and friends, pain, grief, sorrow, etc, I sincerely apologize and I hope that I have addressed it specifically with you and if I have not then please let me know…I may not be aware of my actions as I often am not…and it is never my goal to do anything other than bring you all joy, laughter and hope.
Have a year full of blessing and joy.
P.S. – I live in Jerusalem, just thought I would remind you all, and me as well, that I call this place home now….crazy….i still pinch myself sometimes to make sure it’s all true.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Sunday, September 17, 2006
pictures, pictures!
here are some pictures from my trip to the dead sea a few weeks ago. my friend Jessie and I stayed at the youth hostel in ein gedi for a night over shabbas. it was the day before school started and it was a really nice get away before the mad hours at yeshiva started - i am realizing how sweet it was now that i find myself at school often for 10 hours a day or more...but don't think i am complaining, cause i am not...it is amazing i tell ya. by the way, i studied my first page of talmud (oral torah/law) today...it was pretty special.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Soul searching, torah and salsa – you can find it all in Jerusalem I tell ya.
It has been quite a while since I wrote a good solid post, so I’ll try to give ya’ll an update and to entertain you a bit as well perhaps.
First let me tell ya a few of the quirky things that I have come to notice, if not always appreciate about this place I now can really call home:
Cheap falafel on every corner.
A shadchan is both a stapler and a matchmaker (think about that one…pretty funny, I think).
Finding that all falafel duchanim (stands) are not created equal.
Facing angry responses by many folks when I advertised an upcoming event that supported both Israeli and Lebanese civilians who have been victimized by the latest sad turn of events here.
Seeing old men and children playing backgammon (shesh besh) together while they seem to wait for the next young girl to walk by to chat with – these Israeli men never give up I tell you.
Never knowing how long any given task will take you: recycling, banking, the post office…it really is a crap shoot.
Every other cab honking at you.
A people that both cares enough to make sure that you order food you REALLY WANT (no, not as your server, but as the woman standing in front of you in line) and also will push you out of the way to get onto the bus…even if there is no chance of you both not getting on.
The city flooding in recent weeks with young, recent high school graduates here to study for the year…and taking over areas of town en masse.
Beautiful men…almost all jewish…oy.
Beautiful men…almost all jewish…many who love Judaism as well…oy.
Beautiful men…almost all jewish…many who love Judaism as well…one who has just got to be my next core shaker….oy.
More Torah to learn than I can begin to fathom.
I started Pardes a week ago today. It has already begun to totally amaze me – in a way I think only being here and experiencing it can. I mean, you can look from outside and see that it is a holy place – that people here are dedicated to learning and teaching, teaching and learning. To feel it from the inside is another level altogether. I have not yet left a class feeling that I hadn’t learned something. My classmates are inspiring. They too are searching for a greater understanding of the sages on whose shoulders we now stand. They are a diverse group – a little over 100 between all of the programs. From all over the world…well, none from Asia or Africa I don’t think, but from most other continents I believe. Mostly Americans for sure. But there are many Canadians ☺ and even a handful of Montrealers.
I was placed in the third out of 6 levels and it is just right. I leave class feeling challenged but also that I have learned, that I have accomplished something, that my skills have improved – if just a little bit each class. I have Talmud three times a week and Tanach (the Bible) two days a week. That is morning. Then I have two minor classes: the weekly Torah portion taught entirely in Hebrew (OMG I understand what is going on in a class taught entirely in Hebrew…holy ^%&^!) and a class called “Women and Mitzvot,” “women and Jewish Law”. Then after lunch I have two classes that alter days: Rambam (a medieval Jewish Rabbi/Intellectual/Really Freakin Cool Dude from Spain and Egypt) where we are studying his law code (The Mishna Torah – The second Torah), and a class called Modern Jewish Thought. That is the only class where English is the main language but it is a nice break. So…that is the breakdown of my classes during the day but I also am there a few nights a week for night classes, and chevruta (paired) study with a partner. I am also going to be taking a yoga class once a week in the evenings there…one of the other students teaches. I don’t think it is necessarily a good thing for my health, but I feel fairly certain it is for my neshama, my soul, but whatever the case I am often there for more than 8 hours a day…long days, but I don’t feel entirely tired at the end of them…I love what I am doing here. I am finally studying Torah the way I have been longing to for more years than I can remember. I know it may sound trite, but I am living my dream. Really. In the few days I have been there already, I can already feel my knowledge deepening, my skills with the text improving, my decoding ability jumping by leaps and bounds. I feel like my face is glowing at the end of each class. I know it is, my parents say they can hear it in my voice. I can hear it, too.
*********************
Hui-Tse said to Chuang-tse, “I have a large tree which no carpenter can cut into lumber. Its branches and trunk are crooked and tough, covered with bumps and depressions. No builder would turn his head to look at it. Your teachings are the same – useless, without value. Therefore, no one pays attention to them.”
“As you know,” Chuang-tse replied, “a cat is very skilled at capturing its prey. Crouching low, it can leap in any direction, pursuing whatever it is after. But when its attention is focused on such things, it can be easily caught with a net. On the other hand, a huge yak is not easily caught or overcome. It stands like a stone, or a cloud in the sky. But for all its strength, it cannot catch a mouse.
“You complain that your tree is not valuable as lumber. But you could make use of the shade it provides, rest under its sheltering branches, and stroll beneath it, admiring its character and appearance. Since it would not be endangered by an axe, what could threaten its existence? It is useless to you only because you want to make it into something else and do not use it in its proper way.”
In other words, everything has its place and function. That applies to people, although many don’t seem to realize it, stuck as they are in the wrong job, the wrong marriage, or the wrong house. When you know and respect your Inner Nature, you know where you belong. You also know where you don’t belong. One man’s food is often another man’s poison, and what is glamorous and exciting to some can be a dangerous trap to others.
- from The Tao of Pooh, by Benjain Hoff
So, why have I given you such a lengthy quote? Well, a few weeks ago I was at a sheva brachot (a dinner that is part of a string of celebrations surrounding a Jewish wedding). One of the people I had invited as a “new face”, a friend of mine, expressed a sentiment that a few people have expressed to me lately…and to be frank I find it very difficult to let slide off my shoulder.
I am happy. I smile. I enjoy living my life. I smile at children. I smile at strangers. Children make me smile. Strangers make me smile. It is my way. My Inner Nature. But some of my friends have expressed to me that this is frustrating, why am I always so damned happy? I have spent a few weeks thinking about why this is so hurtful and damned annoying to me and this is what I have concluded: my happiness comes from a struggle that I have faced and openly and honestly face every day of my life – to find my Way. Because I am happy now, and because I feel a general sense of contentment with my life does not mean that I don’t have tragedy in my past, that I don’t have skeletons in my closet, that I am never sad, that I have never been hurt, that I don’t have the guilt of knowing I have hurt others.
I live every day knowing that I found happiness, I had a life that I treasured – and that it is no longer. It died. It was kicked to the side of the road to make room for the next thing…I am in that thing now. I want to be here. That does not mean it wasn’t a struggle to get here. I know that in my recent past I lived with blinders on, that if I had been proposed to I would have married a person with whom I was holding myself in a place where I could not follow my Inner Nature. I would have been happy there too, perhaps, I will never know. But, hell, it is a scary thing to know that a life that was so essential to my happiness, to my being, has since descended/ascended to an unknown location which I will never return to again.
Scarier still is that I know I still have blinders on – I am not fooling myself. I know I am engaged in a constant process of taking layers off of the secret and holy essence that lies underneath my flesh and bones. I can’t always smile, be carefree. Sometimes life knocks the wind out of me. When my friends hurt, I hurt. Seeing my mother cry is like a bullet to the heart. I am not impervious to pain or sadness. I just have a strong faith in my own ability to continue the search of what is my Way, to strive for the “voice within”. I can feel the straps of my blinders loosening in another area now, which I mentioned in my last post. Reform Judaism doesn’t have the same meaning for me anymore. It is not bereft of all meaning, but it is not home anymore. It has not been for a long time now….but blinders are hard to shake and my Way hard to find.
I like a mechitza. (a separation between men and women in prayer)
I don’t feel comfortable when women cannot read Torah. (in general, but here I mean in prayer)
I am shomer Shabbat and shomer kashrut (I follow dietary laws and the laws of the Sabbath).
I feel uncomfortable when men count for a minyan (minimum number of people needed to have “complete” prayer), but women don’t.
I like hearing the whole Torah portion read at shul on Shabbat.
Reform philosophy still speaks to me – in many ways.
I sometimes feel estranged from my Reform friends, although I still consider them my friends and think they are wonderful.
I feel uncomfortable saying anything other than “I am Jewish” (rather than “I am Reform,” I am Conservative,” etc.).
I love wearing tank tops.
I want to go to the mikvah starting when I get married.
I do not want to cover my hair.
I will not be separated from my friends and family.
That’s what I have got so far. I’ll keep you updated.
I am still the same women – dedicated, corny, silly, goofy, nerdy, loving, I still refuse to say that I can’t do something without trying first, I still interrupt people when I don’t mean to, I still get blindsided when I fall in love (or start to for that matter), I still laugh at crude jokes and like playing outside, still feel overwhelmed with the beauty I encounter every day, still have a shoe fetish, still love the Daily Show and Sex and the City, still ridiculous much of the day. Still the Devil Dog.
“The masters of life know the Way, for they listen to the voice within them, the voice of wisdom and simplicity, the voice that reasons beyond Cleverness and knows beyond Knowledge. That voice is not just the power and prosperity of a few, but has been given to everyone. Those who pay attention to it are too often treated as exceptions to a rule, rather than as examples of the rule in operation, a rule that can apply to anyone who makes use of it.” – The Tao of Pooh
First let me tell ya a few of the quirky things that I have come to notice, if not always appreciate about this place I now can really call home:
Cheap falafel on every corner.
A shadchan is both a stapler and a matchmaker (think about that one…pretty funny, I think).
Finding that all falafel duchanim (stands) are not created equal.
Facing angry responses by many folks when I advertised an upcoming event that supported both Israeli and Lebanese civilians who have been victimized by the latest sad turn of events here.
Seeing old men and children playing backgammon (shesh besh) together while they seem to wait for the next young girl to walk by to chat with – these Israeli men never give up I tell you.
Never knowing how long any given task will take you: recycling, banking, the post office…it really is a crap shoot.
Every other cab honking at you.
A people that both cares enough to make sure that you order food you REALLY WANT (no, not as your server, but as the woman standing in front of you in line) and also will push you out of the way to get onto the bus…even if there is no chance of you both not getting on.
The city flooding in recent weeks with young, recent high school graduates here to study for the year…and taking over areas of town en masse.
Beautiful men…almost all jewish…oy.
Beautiful men…almost all jewish…many who love Judaism as well…oy.
Beautiful men…almost all jewish…many who love Judaism as well…one who has just got to be my next core shaker….oy.
More Torah to learn than I can begin to fathom.
I started Pardes a week ago today. It has already begun to totally amaze me – in a way I think only being here and experiencing it can. I mean, you can look from outside and see that it is a holy place – that people here are dedicated to learning and teaching, teaching and learning. To feel it from the inside is another level altogether. I have not yet left a class feeling that I hadn’t learned something. My classmates are inspiring. They too are searching for a greater understanding of the sages on whose shoulders we now stand. They are a diverse group – a little over 100 between all of the programs. From all over the world…well, none from Asia or Africa I don’t think, but from most other continents I believe. Mostly Americans for sure. But there are many Canadians ☺ and even a handful of Montrealers.
I was placed in the third out of 6 levels and it is just right. I leave class feeling challenged but also that I have learned, that I have accomplished something, that my skills have improved – if just a little bit each class. I have Talmud three times a week and Tanach (the Bible) two days a week. That is morning. Then I have two minor classes: the weekly Torah portion taught entirely in Hebrew (OMG I understand what is going on in a class taught entirely in Hebrew…holy ^%&^!) and a class called “Women and Mitzvot,” “women and Jewish Law”. Then after lunch I have two classes that alter days: Rambam (a medieval Jewish Rabbi/Intellectual/Really Freakin Cool Dude from Spain and Egypt) where we are studying his law code (The Mishna Torah – The second Torah), and a class called Modern Jewish Thought. That is the only class where English is the main language but it is a nice break. So…that is the breakdown of my classes during the day but I also am there a few nights a week for night classes, and chevruta (paired) study with a partner. I am also going to be taking a yoga class once a week in the evenings there…one of the other students teaches. I don’t think it is necessarily a good thing for my health, but I feel fairly certain it is for my neshama, my soul, but whatever the case I am often there for more than 8 hours a day…long days, but I don’t feel entirely tired at the end of them…I love what I am doing here. I am finally studying Torah the way I have been longing to for more years than I can remember. I know it may sound trite, but I am living my dream. Really. In the few days I have been there already, I can already feel my knowledge deepening, my skills with the text improving, my decoding ability jumping by leaps and bounds. I feel like my face is glowing at the end of each class. I know it is, my parents say they can hear it in my voice. I can hear it, too.
*********************
Hui-Tse said to Chuang-tse, “I have a large tree which no carpenter can cut into lumber. Its branches and trunk are crooked and tough, covered with bumps and depressions. No builder would turn his head to look at it. Your teachings are the same – useless, without value. Therefore, no one pays attention to them.”
“As you know,” Chuang-tse replied, “a cat is very skilled at capturing its prey. Crouching low, it can leap in any direction, pursuing whatever it is after. But when its attention is focused on such things, it can be easily caught with a net. On the other hand, a huge yak is not easily caught or overcome. It stands like a stone, or a cloud in the sky. But for all its strength, it cannot catch a mouse.
“You complain that your tree is not valuable as lumber. But you could make use of the shade it provides, rest under its sheltering branches, and stroll beneath it, admiring its character and appearance. Since it would not be endangered by an axe, what could threaten its existence? It is useless to you only because you want to make it into something else and do not use it in its proper way.”
In other words, everything has its place and function. That applies to people, although many don’t seem to realize it, stuck as they are in the wrong job, the wrong marriage, or the wrong house. When you know and respect your Inner Nature, you know where you belong. You also know where you don’t belong. One man’s food is often another man’s poison, and what is glamorous and exciting to some can be a dangerous trap to others.
- from The Tao of Pooh, by Benjain Hoff
So, why have I given you such a lengthy quote? Well, a few weeks ago I was at a sheva brachot (a dinner that is part of a string of celebrations surrounding a Jewish wedding). One of the people I had invited as a “new face”, a friend of mine, expressed a sentiment that a few people have expressed to me lately…and to be frank I find it very difficult to let slide off my shoulder.
I am happy. I smile. I enjoy living my life. I smile at children. I smile at strangers. Children make me smile. Strangers make me smile. It is my way. My Inner Nature. But some of my friends have expressed to me that this is frustrating, why am I always so damned happy? I have spent a few weeks thinking about why this is so hurtful and damned annoying to me and this is what I have concluded: my happiness comes from a struggle that I have faced and openly and honestly face every day of my life – to find my Way. Because I am happy now, and because I feel a general sense of contentment with my life does not mean that I don’t have tragedy in my past, that I don’t have skeletons in my closet, that I am never sad, that I have never been hurt, that I don’t have the guilt of knowing I have hurt others.
I live every day knowing that I found happiness, I had a life that I treasured – and that it is no longer. It died. It was kicked to the side of the road to make room for the next thing…I am in that thing now. I want to be here. That does not mean it wasn’t a struggle to get here. I know that in my recent past I lived with blinders on, that if I had been proposed to I would have married a person with whom I was holding myself in a place where I could not follow my Inner Nature. I would have been happy there too, perhaps, I will never know. But, hell, it is a scary thing to know that a life that was so essential to my happiness, to my being, has since descended/ascended to an unknown location which I will never return to again.
Scarier still is that I know I still have blinders on – I am not fooling myself. I know I am engaged in a constant process of taking layers off of the secret and holy essence that lies underneath my flesh and bones. I can’t always smile, be carefree. Sometimes life knocks the wind out of me. When my friends hurt, I hurt. Seeing my mother cry is like a bullet to the heart. I am not impervious to pain or sadness. I just have a strong faith in my own ability to continue the search of what is my Way, to strive for the “voice within”. I can feel the straps of my blinders loosening in another area now, which I mentioned in my last post. Reform Judaism doesn’t have the same meaning for me anymore. It is not bereft of all meaning, but it is not home anymore. It has not been for a long time now….but blinders are hard to shake and my Way hard to find.
I like a mechitza. (a separation between men and women in prayer)
I don’t feel comfortable when women cannot read Torah. (in general, but here I mean in prayer)
I am shomer Shabbat and shomer kashrut (I follow dietary laws and the laws of the Sabbath).
I feel uncomfortable when men count for a minyan (minimum number of people needed to have “complete” prayer), but women don’t.
I like hearing the whole Torah portion read at shul on Shabbat.
Reform philosophy still speaks to me – in many ways.
I sometimes feel estranged from my Reform friends, although I still consider them my friends and think they are wonderful.
I feel uncomfortable saying anything other than “I am Jewish” (rather than “I am Reform,” I am Conservative,” etc.).
I love wearing tank tops.
I want to go to the mikvah starting when I get married.
I do not want to cover my hair.
I will not be separated from my friends and family.
That’s what I have got so far. I’ll keep you updated.
I am still the same women – dedicated, corny, silly, goofy, nerdy, loving, I still refuse to say that I can’t do something without trying first, I still interrupt people when I don’t mean to, I still get blindsided when I fall in love (or start to for that matter), I still laugh at crude jokes and like playing outside, still feel overwhelmed with the beauty I encounter every day, still have a shoe fetish, still love the Daily Show and Sex and the City, still ridiculous much of the day. Still the Devil Dog.
“The masters of life know the Way, for they listen to the voice within them, the voice of wisdom and simplicity, the voice that reasons beyond Cleverness and knows beyond Knowledge. That voice is not just the power and prosperity of a few, but has been given to everyone. Those who pay attention to it are too often treated as exceptions to a rule, rather than as examples of the rule in operation, a rule that can apply to anyone who makes use of it.” – The Tao of Pooh
Sunday, September 03, 2006
apologies, my life has been crazy lately!
Ok, folks, im back in action. So, here is what I've been up to: moving into my apartment (!!!!), hanging out with amazing new friends, gearing up for the year, unpacking, settling, traveling, dating, studying some hebrew....
i moved into my apartment a week and a half ago and have been settling in ever since. Did some fixer upper work, unpacked, bought necessary items, realized how tough it has been over the last two months to be homeless and couch hopping. i am loving my new apartment. It is in Katamon and within a reasonable walking distance to school. I am living with two wonderful ladies - an israeli woman named revital and a very cute dog named libby. things are going well with the roommate situation...i was a little worried having only ever lived with a significant other or family. Me and my veggie-friendly digs are getting down and i am enjoying my time there.
I finished ulpan last week, which I am happy about. I was getting a little tired of the intensity of the hebrew learning...and a little tired of one of my teachers. both teachers that i had were very nice and were solid teachers, but one had some shady spots in her pedagogy and i was pretty done in general with the 8-1 hebrew thing. i am glad that i did it and i do feel like my hebrew improved. I am supposed to do an ulpan every summer, but the thought of doing another 6 weeks in a classroom again...learning hebrew for the 7th year in a row doesnt sound too enticing. I am thinking about doing something called "ulpan or" which is an ulpan but where you have one on one teaching. i would study for about an hour a day with a teacher and then spend several hours a day doing work...i think that would be better for me at this point. How many years can i study hebrew in a big group setting before enough is enough? :^/ but that is far in the future and not something that i wanna be thinking about now anyway because in a day is start my classes at pardes! I know that it will just be orientation and we wont be getting into the flow for a few days but i am so ready to dive into my studies here and to meet the people i will be spending the year with. I took my placement test which was so-so. hard but not impossible...although i couldn't do parts of the test at all really because i simply wasn't taught certain things growing up as a reform jew. In my next post i will try to explain where I am at with my struggle with/against/through/whoknowswhattherightwordis? reform judaism.
i have gone out on several dates since that first...it just proves further how wise those writers of Sex and The City are,
One quote goes something like this,
Carrie: After I got a date with Burger another guy, who had my number for months, called and asked me out on a date, which goes to prove that all you need to get a date is another date.
Im tellin ya, when it rains it pours, folks. But this whole dating thing, which I am entirely new to is so unattractive...so unnatural. I miss my relationship where I knew what was what - it wasnt perfect by any means, and I don't want to change history, but at least i knew i was loved, liked, even if not while feeling entirely appreciated. I have been dating several guys over the last few weeks, but i don't even know for sure what i want...i figure if the confusion starts with my own desires, that isnt too hopeful for anything. I was into one guy for several weeks, but its the same story, timing is everything and if one person isnt ready then it cant work. this is one messed up game that we have to play in the hopes of finding a person who brings us higher, puts a smile on our face and opens themself up to the love we have to send their way. i can see how this will get old real fast...but then again if i have to do this to find my next core shaker, aint it worth it?? I'll let you know when I find him.
Speaking of core shakers, my ex boyfriend emailed me last week. I have to say that i felt a relief when i saw his name in my inbox. i miss him terribly, i miss my best friend. Mostly i think i was hurt that he hadnt checked up on me the entire time i had been in israel - war and all. it seems impossible that someone can go from being the most important person in your life to having no part of it within a years time. I don't like the way it feels. The book I am reading right now would use the phrase, "A Jer shaped whole in the universe". the whole became a little less gnawing, though, with that simple little email. It made me very very happy. it only takes small actions to make me a happy woman. and thats usually all life usually shoots my way so thats a damn good thing!:) tee hee:)
hmmm...ma od...what else to tell yall. I went to the dead sea this shabbat with my friend jessie. we stayed at the youth hostel and our room overlooked the dead sea and was bordering the ein gedi reserve. There are several hikes on the reserve and we did one on shabbat called nachal david - david's brooke/stream. It is a series of waterfalls that originate (i think?:) from rainfall that seeps into the ground in the judean hills and makes its way down through the earth to the dead sea - the lowest place on earth. I did the hike when I was here back in 1999 with NFTY. It was a neat feeling to know that I recognized the place, that I had shared it with my trip mates so long ago and it still is a memory crisp and real in my mind. jessie was a great travel buddy, i have to say. it was chill, relaxing, fun and lots of laughs. we met a nice israeli family, a fundamentalist christian from Colorado and an arab guy who always wore a regal blue speedo, no shirt and a grin. is it fair to say "only in israel"? jessie and i made shabbat together on erev shabbat, spent a long while on a comfy patch of grass looking up at the desert sky and watching the date trees blow around, bend around, the desert wind. Besides nasty ass pita and it being not long enough of a get away, it was exquisite. Pardes is actually taking a tiyyul there in a few weeks and I can't wait to go back.
i am so happily burstingly gleefully ecstatically smiling right now thinking of all you back home who i love, and of all the things in store for me in the coming three years, year, today...life is good.
today: cook myself a damn good dinner, go on a date, maybe go see pirates 2, get a good nights sleep for my first day of school!
ill post some pictures soon of my latest adventures.
i send big hugs. the kind that knock the wind right outa ya and replace it with copious amounts of love.
i moved into my apartment a week and a half ago and have been settling in ever since. Did some fixer upper work, unpacked, bought necessary items, realized how tough it has been over the last two months to be homeless and couch hopping. i am loving my new apartment. It is in Katamon and within a reasonable walking distance to school. I am living with two wonderful ladies - an israeli woman named revital and a very cute dog named libby. things are going well with the roommate situation...i was a little worried having only ever lived with a significant other or family. Me and my veggie-friendly digs are getting down and i am enjoying my time there.
I finished ulpan last week, which I am happy about. I was getting a little tired of the intensity of the hebrew learning...and a little tired of one of my teachers. both teachers that i had were very nice and were solid teachers, but one had some shady spots in her pedagogy and i was pretty done in general with the 8-1 hebrew thing. i am glad that i did it and i do feel like my hebrew improved. I am supposed to do an ulpan every summer, but the thought of doing another 6 weeks in a classroom again...learning hebrew for the 7th year in a row doesnt sound too enticing. I am thinking about doing something called "ulpan or" which is an ulpan but where you have one on one teaching. i would study for about an hour a day with a teacher and then spend several hours a day doing work...i think that would be better for me at this point. How many years can i study hebrew in a big group setting before enough is enough? :^/ but that is far in the future and not something that i wanna be thinking about now anyway because in a day is start my classes at pardes! I know that it will just be orientation and we wont be getting into the flow for a few days but i am so ready to dive into my studies here and to meet the people i will be spending the year with. I took my placement test which was so-so. hard but not impossible...although i couldn't do parts of the test at all really because i simply wasn't taught certain things growing up as a reform jew. In my next post i will try to explain where I am at with my struggle with/against/through/whoknowswhattherightwordis? reform judaism.
i have gone out on several dates since that first...it just proves further how wise those writers of Sex and The City are,
One quote goes something like this,
Carrie: After I got a date with Burger another guy, who had my number for months, called and asked me out on a date, which goes to prove that all you need to get a date is another date.
Im tellin ya, when it rains it pours, folks. But this whole dating thing, which I am entirely new to is so unattractive...so unnatural. I miss my relationship where I knew what was what - it wasnt perfect by any means, and I don't want to change history, but at least i knew i was loved, liked, even if not while feeling entirely appreciated. I have been dating several guys over the last few weeks, but i don't even know for sure what i want...i figure if the confusion starts with my own desires, that isnt too hopeful for anything. I was into one guy for several weeks, but its the same story, timing is everything and if one person isnt ready then it cant work. this is one messed up game that we have to play in the hopes of finding a person who brings us higher, puts a smile on our face and opens themself up to the love we have to send their way. i can see how this will get old real fast...but then again if i have to do this to find my next core shaker, aint it worth it?? I'll let you know when I find him.
Speaking of core shakers, my ex boyfriend emailed me last week. I have to say that i felt a relief when i saw his name in my inbox. i miss him terribly, i miss my best friend. Mostly i think i was hurt that he hadnt checked up on me the entire time i had been in israel - war and all. it seems impossible that someone can go from being the most important person in your life to having no part of it within a years time. I don't like the way it feels. The book I am reading right now would use the phrase, "A Jer shaped whole in the universe". the whole became a little less gnawing, though, with that simple little email. It made me very very happy. it only takes small actions to make me a happy woman. and thats usually all life usually shoots my way so thats a damn good thing!:) tee hee:)
hmmm...ma od...what else to tell yall. I went to the dead sea this shabbat with my friend jessie. we stayed at the youth hostel and our room overlooked the dead sea and was bordering the ein gedi reserve. There are several hikes on the reserve and we did one on shabbat called nachal david - david's brooke/stream. It is a series of waterfalls that originate (i think?:) from rainfall that seeps into the ground in the judean hills and makes its way down through the earth to the dead sea - the lowest place on earth. I did the hike when I was here back in 1999 with NFTY. It was a neat feeling to know that I recognized the place, that I had shared it with my trip mates so long ago and it still is a memory crisp and real in my mind. jessie was a great travel buddy, i have to say. it was chill, relaxing, fun and lots of laughs. we met a nice israeli family, a fundamentalist christian from Colorado and an arab guy who always wore a regal blue speedo, no shirt and a grin. is it fair to say "only in israel"? jessie and i made shabbat together on erev shabbat, spent a long while on a comfy patch of grass looking up at the desert sky and watching the date trees blow around, bend around, the desert wind. Besides nasty ass pita and it being not long enough of a get away, it was exquisite. Pardes is actually taking a tiyyul there in a few weeks and I can't wait to go back.
i am so happily burstingly gleefully ecstatically smiling right now thinking of all you back home who i love, and of all the things in store for me in the coming three years, year, today...life is good.
today: cook myself a damn good dinner, go on a date, maybe go see pirates 2, get a good nights sleep for my first day of school!
ill post some pictures soon of my latest adventures.
i send big hugs. the kind that knock the wind right outa ya and replace it with copious amounts of love.
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